Story of Guy #1

It would be easy to act like I'm angry at my married boyfriend. Everyone expects me to be. Everyone who knows my story sees the obvious stuff... I'm a walking stereo-type of a woman having an affair with a man who perpetually promises to leave his wife and then doesn't, and blah-blah-blah. To hear from my lips that I know that he loves me and will eventually leave her just makes me sound all the more pathetic, I know.

But the thing is, that's not at all what I'm worried about. I know him, I know how he feels about me, and I know that our future is together, and what you think doesn't really matter worth a shit.

The thing that does worry me, you see, is that when he actually does follow through (which fuck you, is not a question of whether but only when) I'll have to stop feeling somewhat justified about cheating on him. Yeah, you heard me.

I say somewhat because I really know that I am not actually justified at all. Such a thing is never justified, even in these circumstances, and the fact that I feel guilty is the only evidence I have that I'm not a complete and utter sociopath.

My girlfriend who knows my story thinks it's weird that I feel guilty, and weird that I even think of it as cheating. Her point being of course, that he's the one that's married and I'm the one that's allegedly single and free to fuck whomever I want. You have to bear in mind that she views it as healthy that I've expressed any sort of interest in someone other than the man she views as the devil, but her point is taken, and indeed -- I do use it as an internal justification (there's that word again) when I do stray. But it really is just a rationalization that I use to make myself feel better. It's not true.

Just for the hell of it, let's look at things from another perspective for a moment. Let's suppose, just for shits and giggles, that I'm not as stupid as everyone seems to think I am and that I'm a decent judge of his character. Let's humor me and say that I know what I'm talking about when I say that he really adores me, and that all of his excuses are true, and he really does intend to leave his wife soon, and that he has spent the past year re-arranging finances and plotting and planning how to make it happen soon so that he can be with me. And let's say that I know he's scared because he's afraid of hurting people, especially his children, and that the idea of harming them is killing him -- but his faith in the intense purity of our love (if you'll forgive the melodramatic expression) and the fact that we are born soul-mates drives him on to do the unthinkable. Suppose all of that were true.

Now, I'm already a bitch for ruining his family, but I could almost manage to convince myself that it's not wrong because we're so obviously meant to be together. But what kind of super bitch am I if I'm cheating on him?

What's funny is that I'm still deeply in love with him, in spite of my infidelity. I believe that he and I have a connection that very few people, even in very happy couples, share. He "gets" me -- in a way that no one else does. And I really do love him. I want us to grow old together and I want to fall asleep in his arms every night and if I ever procreate I want our kid to have his eyes, and all of that other sappy-ass shit. And I want it more now than I did five years ago.

So what the hell?

Ooh, want more? The sex with him is great. It's true that after all of these years, it no longer has that new and exciting adrenaline thing going on -- no one's sex life can maintain that. But we've reached the comfort level of a old married couple -- and he's still an amazing lover -- and he knows where all of my buttons are located.

And what scares me is that this has nothing to do with me being angry about him not leaving his wife, or as my girlfriend thinks, that it's a symptom that he's really not the one for me. On the contrary, I think that what it really means is that I'm simply not capable of monogamy -- even after finding my perfect match.

The worst part is, I know that my infidelity is the one thing that would deeply wound him. He's definitely the jealous type. Don't get me wrong, he's not scary caveman jealous or anything -- and he's perfectly aware of the hypocrisy of wanting me to be faithful while he is married -- but I know for a fact that it's the one thing that scares him. He could forgive just about anything else -- but my cheating would ruin our relationship.

Hmm. After writing that and reading it for the first time, I guess I have to admit that my girlfriend could have a point. I mean, could I be self-sabotaging? How I could I know that and still do it?

Except I know that I love him. I really think I'm a sex-addict of some kind. Seriously. Not that this justifies anything either (again with the justify word,) but I do think it's true. For years I was a huge slut who relied heavily on sex to feel whole. And any sex-addict will tell you, it's not about the sex. It's about the pursuit. That scared, sensual, electric, butterfly in the stomach thing that you get early in the relationship. It is a big part of what made me feel alive, (if you'll again forgive the drama,) and I miss it. A lot.

I wish he were the kind of guy who just didn't care if I had other boyfriends as long as my heart belonged to him. I mean, I confess I liked that he was jealous at first -- very few of my boyfriends before were ever jealous, and it made me feel loved. But it is terribly inconvenient.

Perhaps I should get therapy. But I don't really want therapy. What I want is to have my lover send a shiver up my spine and make my panties wet.

Story of Guy #2

And now to make things really complicated.

The basic facts:

Guy #2 is also married.

Guy #2 was technically around before guy #1 was a part of the picture. (So...technically guy #2 should be called guy #1, but we won't go there.) We had our own passionate affair a few years prior, and I actually started seeing Guy#1 at least in part to help myself get past Guy#2. Guy#2 and I see each other much less often since I actually fell in love with Guy#1. But he never entirely left the picture or my thoughts.


Guy #2 is in many ways simpler to deal with than guy#1. For one thing, he actually loves his wife and there has never been any question about what our relationship is. We might fantasize from time to time to time about what a parallel universe could have been like -- but there are no illusions that anything will ever happen in this one. To his credit, he seems to feel guilty about seeing me -- something guy #1 doesn't seem to have any issues with -- which I've always found a little disturbing.


Guy #2 is the only person with whom I feel I can be truly honest with. Well, with the possible exception of my feelings for him himself, which would just be too uncomfortable to say aloud, but even there, I'm sure he knows what they are.


In that one sense, I'm actually much closer to guy #2 than guy #1 -- just the very acknowledgement of our duplicitous nature and the fact that we are able to share that very secret other self with another person is very intimate.

But it's an extremely different dynamic than with Guy#1. We're very different from each other.

You see, Guy #1 is practically my twin. We never have to humor each other's interests because we love all of the same things. We get excited about the same movies, the same music, the same sporting events, the same politics. We finish each other's sentences and always know where the other is coming from. If the Newlywed Game were still on TV, we would totally kick ass. He thinks I'm funny, and if I goof up and say something retarded, he gets me anyway and thinks my stumbling is cute.


Guy #2 and I have a level of mutual respect for each other, but we are in many ways from different planets. We have very little in common in our lives. I am nervous and insecure around him in a way that I don't often find myself with anyone, and I'm sure that everything I say is misinterpreted.


What's weird is that we at one point had an incredibly witty banter between us -- but somewhere down the line, forgot how to do it. I think that maybe when he and I were in the thick of our most intense period, I spent more time morphing into the kind of personality I thought he'd appreciate, (it pains me to say that because it's something that little girls do and I like to think I'm happier with my own personality than that, but it's probably true,) and then when I finally did start being myself (something I felt much freer to do with Guy#1,) I didn't know how to talk to him anymore. I'm not sure. I don't remember putting on any sort of act -- so perhaps it's just who I am that has changed.


I can tell you that the following has happened at least twice: G2 tells a subtle dry joke. I'll give what I think is a witty sarcastic reply, but something is lost and he can't tell that I'm joking. Consequently, he thinks I'm too dense to know that he was joking, and feels obliged to explain the original joke. Consequently, I desperately want to explain that I actually understood him perfectly and that it is he that didn't get my joke -- but by this point I just look pathetic and decide that the flaw must have been in my delivery and that anything I say is going to make things worse, so fuck it, I'm a moron. Aaack!

Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest. This incidental frustration aside, I suppose I like that he intimidates me a bit.

In many ways, he's smarter than G1. Not that G1 is a dolt by any means, but part of the reason why I'm so relaxed around G1 is, I suppose, that he is very non-threatening to me. I view G1 as my equal. G2 on the other hand, I think is a bit smarter than me, which is much more intellectually challenging.

I also care for him a great deal. As I said, I don't have any delusions, but we've shared some very intimate moments together, and not just in the sack. Maybe someday I'll talk more about this. Maybe not.

For now though, I will talk about the aforementioned in-the-sack portion. You know that thing I said before about the wet panties? All he has to do is say "Hiya, Babe" on the phone, and I need to go masturbate. The sex is always on fire.

I haven't seen him in many months, and I'm supposed to see him soon -- which I suppose is what has prompted all of this writing. Although I am filled with guilt, it is all overwhelmed by the image of him on top of me. I am a hormonal maniac -- like a teenager -- and I can't think straight. I can only think of him fucking me silly.

More later.