But the thing is, that's not at all what I'm worried about. I know him, I know how he feels about me, and I know that our future is together, and what you think doesn't really matter worth a shit.
The thing that does worry me, you see, is that when he actually does follow through (which fuck you, is not a question of whether but only when) I'll have to stop feeling somewhat justified about cheating on him. Yeah, you heard me.
I say somewhat because I really know that I am not actually justified at all. Such a thing is never justified, even in these circumstances, and the fact that I feel guilty is the only evidence I have that I'm not a complete and utter sociopath.
My girlfriend who knows my story thinks it's weird that I feel guilty, and weird that I even think of it as cheating. Her point being of course, that he's the one that's married and I'm the one that's allegedly single and free to fuck whomever I want. You have to bear in mind that she views it as healthy that I've expressed any sort of interest in someone other than the man she views as the devil, but her point is taken, and indeed -- I do use it as an internal justification (there's that word again) when I do stray. But it really is just a rationalization that I use to make myself feel better. It's not true.
Just for the hell of it, let's look at things from another perspective for a moment. Let's suppose, just for shits and giggles, that I'm not as stupid as everyone seems to think I am and that I'm a decent judge of his character. Let's humor me and say that I know what I'm talking about when I say that he really adores me, and that all of his excuses are true, and he really does intend to leave his wife soon, and that he has spent the past year re-arranging finances and plotting and planning how to make it happen soon so that he can be with me. And let's say that I know he's scared because he's afraid of hurting people, especially his children, and that the idea of harming them is killing him -- but his faith in the intense purity of our love (if you'll forgive the melodramatic expression) and the fact that we are born soul-mates drives him on to do the unthinkable. Suppose all of that were true.
Now, I'm already a bitch for ruining his family, but I could almost manage to convince myself that it's not wrong because we're so obviously meant to be together. But what kind of super bitch am I if I'm cheating on him?
What's funny is that I'm still deeply in love with him, in spite of my infidelity. I believe that he and I have a connection that very few people, even in very happy couples, share. He "gets" me -- in a way that no one else does. And I really do love him. I want us to grow old together and I want to fall asleep in his arms every night and if I ever procreate I want our kid to have his eyes, and all of that other sappy-ass shit. And I want it more now than I did five years ago.
So what the hell?
Ooh, want more? The sex with him is great. It's true that after all of these years, it no longer has that new and exciting adrenaline thing going on -- no one's sex life can maintain that. But we've reached the comfort level of a old married couple -- and he's still an amazing lover -- and he knows where all of my buttons are located.
And what scares me is that this has nothing to do with me being angry about him not leaving his wife, or as my girlfriend thinks, that it's a symptom that he's really not the one for me. On the contrary, I think that what it really means is that I'm simply not capable of monogamy -- even after finding my perfect match.
The worst part is, I know that my infidelity is the one thing that would deeply wound him. He's definitely the jealous type. Don't get me wrong, he's not scary caveman jealous or anything -- and he's perfectly aware of the hypocrisy of wanting me to be faithful while he is married -- but I know for a fact that it's the one thing that scares him. He could forgive just about anything else -- but my cheating would ruin our relationship.
Hmm. After writing that and reading it for the first time, I guess I have to admit that my girlfriend could have a point. I mean, could I be self-sabotaging? How I could I know that and still do it?
Except I know that I love him. I really think I'm a sex-addict of some kind. Seriously. Not that this justifies anything either (again with the justify word,) but I do think it's true. For years I was a huge slut who relied heavily on sex to feel whole. And any sex-addict will tell you, it's not about the sex. It's about the pursuit. That scared, sensual, electric, butterfly in the stomach thing that you get early in the relationship. It is a big part of what made me feel alive, (if you'll again forgive the drama,) and I miss it. A lot.
I wish he were the kind of guy who just didn't care if I had other boyfriends as long as my heart belonged to him. I mean, I confess I liked that he was jealous at first -- very few of my boyfriends before were ever jealous, and it made me feel loved. But it is terribly inconvenient.
Perhaps I should get therapy. But I don't really want therapy. What I want is to have my lover send a shiver up my spine and make my panties wet.
1 comment:
Hey I wonder if you'd let me have your blog name. You haven't used it since 2007. I've been collecting short stories for a while, I think you'd enjoy reading it. Thanks for your consideration.
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